• Bad Boys - Pains in the Ass on the Green

      0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
      Serial Pests in Bowls

      I liken Paul Soldatich to Kimchi- Korean ******d cabbage .

      Lap it up, or put it down as an offensive distraction to the main meal-game.

      They’re both very much an acquired taste.

      I remember a Scottish bloke from Footscray Yarraville saying , “How do you put up with this clown every week, he’d do my head in.”

      [ delivered in a broad Glaswegian accent].

      A burly fireman playing for Broadmeadows called him John Revolta after having to listen to an afternoon’s worth of Soldatich antics like.

      “ I’d get more out of a barefoot bowler than what you’ve given me today Dad.”

      “I’m sick and tired of carrying these division 8 standard bowlers every week. These bloody selectors expect miracles from me every week I’ve aged 10 years since I started skipping at this club.”

      Giulio, his father, won City of Melbourne’s Most Improved Bowler Award only to leave the club the following season and go on to win Princess Park’s Singles Championship in his first year there. Paul was taken aback ,he’d been bowling for ten years and had never won a Singles title. And here was his father winning a club championship after ‘bowling for five minutes’.

      I recall bowling socially at a Country Club while living in Northern NSW. I don’t think you could come across a more boring and insipid bunch than the members of this club.

      I didn’t enjoy their company and subsequently I didn’t enjoy my bowls.

      I’ll pay homage to Groucho Marx- ‘I don’t want to belong to any club that doesn’t have someone like Paul Soldatich as a member.‘
      No, I wouldn’t want to play bowls at a club that didn’t have someone like Paul pestering his opponents and entertaining me !

      I recently spent an afternoon bowling with a bloke whose banal on green banter principally consisted of, “ You need to take a little more grass. No, you didn’t take enough grass with that one. That was nearly a perfect bowl, now that you’ve got your grass right.” By the end of the game I was bored shitless listening to this bloke‘s post delivery banter. I was screaming out for a Soldatich like outburst.

      “Who put that short shit bowl there. I was right on target to kiss that kitty. Dad, was that your short shit bowl I ran into ?”
      “That was absolute crap , it looks like I’m going to have to carry you lot again today .”

      Once you’ve played against them, they’re not easily forgotten.

      Once you’ve bowled against them, or had them playing on an adjoining rink, you won’t forget them in a hurry.

      Many an opponent has been disconcerted with Paul's on green antics.

      I remember Peter Pervas from Kew Heights seeing Paul swagger into Toorak Bowls Club, closely followed by his father and let out, “Oh, not these two again.”

      Apparently they’d terrorized his rinks in previous tournaments.

      Paul, the son, is a grand standing, self confessed loud mouth. Whereas Giulio, the father, chooses his words carefully albeit in a self assured manner.

      Paul’s on green outbursts are a quasi slap stick routine while father plays the straight man.

      ‘ Dad, that was absolute crap. If you want to play third to me you’ve got to come into the head.’

      While recently accepting prize money for best Second Game winners at Toorak’s Les Bartlett Triples day, Paul humbly apologized to the gathering for his on green antics.

      The back dated wannabe Sharpie was uncharacteristically deferential. He probably thought Des Tuddenham, the event’s sponsor, was going to ‘ clip him behind the ear’ and withhold his share of the prize money for his antics-bad behaviour.

      There something Byronesque about watching him chase his bowl into the head.

      Yeah, I’m a fan, but I still reckon he’s a pain in the ass.

      Truth be known, I wouldn’t want to join a bowls club that didn’t have him as a member.

      I left the last one because Paul and his father had walked out.

      This is the third club where we’ve been members together.

      Groucho Marx’s famous line rings true…………and yes Paul and Kimchi are very much an acquired taste !

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